The intensity of losing someone for me has always ceased at the thought of separation, break up or divorce. The person would be away from us but the knowledge of them breathing and living healthy is far more a better scenario to visualize than their presence being wiped out by death. Letting death take away the most influential, important and loved one from our life can absurdly pave a different path for the transformations that we were never ready for.
I want you alive even if we had to stay apart,
I want you breathing even if we could never trust again,
Never will I be able to erase your imprints,
For you taught me to live.
We have always perceived death with pessimism. No matter what, we are lost without our loved ones. The memories that were meant to be cherished will carry an ache of loss. As time passes, we learn to cope up with their absence. Sometimes we keep thoughts of them locked deep inside us, we stop talking about them, we stop going to their favorite places, we avoid their favorite dishes and we try hard to not to get associated with the stuff that has anything to do with them at all. The harder we try to keep away those painful shared moments, the tougher it becomes to live without them. I have learnt about such people too who deal with their loved ones’ death in braver ways. Acknowledging every aspect associated with the deceased and going through everything they left behind even when it hurts – this is the most beautiful way of response I have ever come across.
I look at all those places we had marked our existence together,
Yearning to recreate each moment we held close,
Seeking to enjoy the roughness and smoothness of your voice,
Willing to savor the silence,
For a desire to replace this hollowness with sparkle of color urges me.
The random responses I received when asked to say something about death were “escape from all hardships, last phase of life cycle which can occur naturally or unexpectedly, end of journey, most cruel incident that can take place, it’s crazy, nothing is permanent, ferocious end, something mysterious, end of hopes, freedom to soul, the reaper of souls and many more.” There have been few such instances too where I was told that they aren’t bothered by death, that they don’t want to think about it and wouldn’t care if death comes by.
Two of my favorite responses are ‘starting of an infinite life’ and ‘beginning of new experience’. Death has always been perceived as ending but rarely acknowledged as a beginning because nothing can ever prepare you for that experience. It may grab your joy and crush it unexpectedly, or give you hints here and there and break in slowly. Sometimes I wish that we should have been taught and trained for such dreading experiences, so that the whole process of waking up and breathing in their absence would not be this tough.
Death trapped two of my loved ones when I was too young to experience the feeling of being lost. I was sad, I knew I could never meet them again, I realized that there will be inevitable changes but nothing too strong to be transformational. I saw them being wrapped in a white piece of cloth, their feet cold and their face peaceful yet disturbed. I heard muffled sobs, hysterical cries and agitating talks, I saw faces painted with tears of anger, despair and pain. I still remember my tears rolled over late, shocked to grasp the truth. When everyone left I was enclosed in bottled up ache with remains of their burnt memories.
As I grew up, I started noticing lives turning upside down with someone’s death. There will be new beginning due to the abrupt ending. But it takes time. Time never fades that traumatic pain away but it teaches us to deal with it in different ways. The one who decides to relish those memories and embrace the blurring lines differentiating the end and the start will soon blossom in the warmth of death.
To not so beloved death,
Your existence brings out fear in me,
I wonder whom you would capture next,
I hear a constant warning buzzing around,
Reminding me to stop mourning over the past,
For you may stop by to bestow a twist,
Despair and ache of lost will follow your path,
The thought of you crumble my soul.
I wither in anguish,
Battling with changes,
Flaunting dried up tears and burning eyes,
Longing to be loved,
For the struggle with enigma of death will cease the end.
The heart repulses with thoughts of adapting to beginnings,
The stubborn mind rejecting failure offered by death,
I teach my body to wake up without dreading,
For life and death is a battle where none will win.